When is Enough, Enough?

I really should’ve really been journaling these nightmares since the beginning…speaking of the word “should”, it shouldn’t be a word but then I wouldn’t be able to say it shouldn’t be a word, would I? When I use "should" it’s either referring to something in the future as in "I should (or should not)" or past as in "I should have (or shouldn't have)" and I'm trying to stay in the moment. But I digress...digress?! Where does this shit come from? I can't blame it on the drugs, they haven't had time to take effect yet. Are these the random thoughts in my head?

Meds, drugs…a plastic shopping bag full of them which would probably fetch me a few hundred bucks on the street, what’s Dilaudid going for these days? Forget it, the only way you'll get it out of my hands is to pry it from my cold dead fingers. It's too important in the arsenal that gives me respite from this enemy.

This one is pretty bad, feels like somebody parked their car on my head, the left front wheel to be exact…without a tire, yep, just the rim, the edge of it pressing right into the left side of my skull behind by ear. And today, when I don’t have to “tough it out” I still waited too long and now the meds are taking longer to kick in.

There is such a thing as having too many choices, especially when my brain is screaming at me to lay down and my eyes are yelling at me to turn off the damn lights. Wait...it's my ears that are the loudest, "EVERYBODY, EVERYTHING, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!" In this state I'm supposed to decide between Dilaudid, Phenergan, Benedryl, Naproxen and Neurontin (oh there are even more, but I’ve already taken my max of them today) or a combination of 2 of them, and then figure out how much of each to take. Let's see, do I take it all now or take half now then wait an hour and see if I need the rest. But by then I may need 2 more. Just give me ONE damn axe and let me chop my head off. They “should” have to administer a test of mental stability and IQ prior to dispensing so much shit to one person.