When is Enough, Enough?

I really should’ve really been journaling these nightmares since the beginning…speaking of the word “should”, it shouldn’t be a word but then I wouldn’t be able to say it shouldn’t be a word, would I? When I use "should" it’s either referring to something in the future as in "I should (or should not)" or past as in "I should have (or shouldn't have)" and I'm trying to stay in the moment. But I digress...digress?! Where does this shit come from? I can't blame it on the drugs, they haven't had time to take effect yet. Are these the random thoughts in my head?

Meds, drugs…a plastic shopping bag full of them which would probably fetch me a few hundred bucks on the street, what’s Dilaudid going for these days? Forget it, the only way you'll get it out of my hands is to pry it from my cold dead fingers. It's too important in the arsenal that gives me respite from this enemy.

This one is pretty bad, feels like somebody parked their car on my head, the left front wheel to be exact…without a tire, yep, just the rim, the edge of it pressing right into the left side of my skull behind by ear. And today, when I don’t have to “tough it out” I still waited too long and now the meds are taking longer to kick in.

There is such a thing as having too many choices, especially when my brain is screaming at me to lay down and my eyes are yelling at me to turn off the damn lights. Wait...it's my ears that are the loudest, "EVERYBODY, EVERYTHING, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!" In this state I'm supposed to decide between Dilaudid, Phenergan, Benedryl, Naproxen and Neurontin (oh there are even more, but I’ve already taken my max of them today) or a combination of 2 of them, and then figure out how much of each to take. Let's see, do I take it all now or take half now then wait an hour and see if I need the rest. But by then I may need 2 more. Just give me ONE damn axe and let me chop my head off. They “should” have to administer a test of mental stability and IQ prior to dispensing so much shit to one person.

Get Up?

Today I didn’t feel good at all. I woke up this morning with a hangover from neurontin. God, I don’t know how people can drink and be hung over every day. I dragged my tired sleepy ass out of bed and forced myself to GET UP and get moving when really all I wanted to do was sleep. I wanted to lay my head down, my eyes were still closed, breathe a deep sigh and sink back into the wonderland I know as slumber, sleeping, resting, no pain. But I got up, no pain in my head as I got up but as the day wore on and as I got to moving around, it slowly crept back. I got up about 10:30 and by 2:30 I thought there were knives stuck in the back of my head.

I never know ahead of time which is going to be better for me...staying in bed or forcing myself to get up. Today I feel like getting up made things worse. On the days when I stay in bed or in my favorite chair I wonder if I would have felt better getting up. It's a crap shoot either way, so what to do? Take it one day at a time or better yet one moment.

Hell on Earth

My name is Vanessa and I'm a migraineur. No, I'm not standing up in front of a group of my peers also afflicted with the dibilitating disease called migraines. As a matter of fact, I'm usually lying still in the dark. Today however I am sitting here at my laptop, brightness turned down, with sunglasses on, compelled to get up on my soapbox and rant. Other than "diabetics" I can't recall any other disorder or disease in which those unfortunate enough to suffer it's effects are labeled. I'm tired of being judged as someone who can't tolerate a "bad headache". I actually have a high threshold of pain, after all I am a woman who's been through labor and childbirth! I know I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but it's migraneurs' responsibility to educate those with whom we associate about the horrible extent of this disease. That, along with a cathartic purging of my mind and soul are the reason for this blog.

I don't remember when I had the first migraine attack, but I have currently had one almost daily for over 4 months now. Throbbing head pain, nausea so bad I wish I could hurl but can't, extreme photo and phono sensitivity and malaise are my constant companions. Tonight I am falling asleep as I type thanks to neurontin and I'm not even up to the maximum dose. I cannot function on it. I'm sleepy, groggy, so uncoordinated I trip every few feet when I walk (don't even ask about the typos I've corrected) and I suspect it's causing depression too. I've cried 4 times for no apparent reason in the last 3 days since I've been on it daily...I HATE PRESCRIPTION MEDS!!!!!

They offer some respite to my suffering but at what cost?